PDA POLICE.

We have all heard of PDA (Public Display of Affection, I think…). I remember being in school and teachers and students yelling PDA when a girl and boy would hug or kiss. It was like a warzone, a teacher would be 100ft from two kids at their lockers and you’d hear them yelling for them to separate like it was life or death. Well lucky for me and my hubby our daughter Lo has decided to take on the PDA police roll, Yay…

I am not kidding she’s a nut, worse than those teachers in school. It feels like I have to sneak around with my own husband in our own home.

Now, she doesn’t mind a little booty tap or anything quick like a forehead kiss but too much more and she’s a loose canon.

If we hug and she isn’t included she yells and runs over to us and tries to separate us so she can get in the middle of us.

Tickling isn’t even an option in our home because she doesn’t allow it (although I am kind of thankful for that one.) If she see’s the hubby tickling me she will literally scream at the top of her lungs to grab our attention and come over and pull her daddy’s hands off of me.

She is like my personal body guard. I say this because she could give a shit about dad when it comes to these things. If I kiss him, no biggy. If I punch him in the arm, no biggy. If I throw him off a cliff, no biggy (JK, most days..) But seriously I could do anything to him good or bad and she would let it slide, but if daddy makes a pass at mama -HELL TO THE NO!

I guess I am just the teachers pet? Child’s pet? Nope, that sounds creepy.

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EW.

My daughter has recently discovered the word Ew and it has quickly become a favorite. I have been saying it quite a bit lately and I suppose she picked up on it. For instance…

She doesn’t sit still while changing her poopy diapers so I end up with poop on me. Ew.

She decided mushing up her food was better than actually eating it and wiping it all over my arms is even better. Ew.

She also likes to clean up her runny boogies with her own hands, which inevitably ends up all the way up her arm and then at that same moment she feels the need to hug me and get those boogies all over me too. Ew.

Although, I clearly am using Ew in the correct context I am not sure she totally gets it yet. Sometimes she makes total sense and other times I have to try and decipher what she means. For instance..

She see’s bugs crawling around and says Ew. Makes sense.

She see’s cookies and gets excited and says Ew, then eats it. What?

She opens the trash can and says Ew. Makes sense.

She see’s a fluffy kitty and chases it and says Ew. What?

So, my conflict is that she does and doesn’t understand the word. Maybe she just thinks its a universal thing. like it works for anything you want it to work for. I just hope she stops saying Ew when she see’s me naked….that’s a real confidence crusher.

 

THROW IT AWAY.

As a parent, you know very well at this point that kids are messy. They are more than messy. They are like the most disgusting things you can think of X2000. It’s honestly not their fault, they’re just learning and part of learning is making huge messes like shitting on the floor or rubbing ravioli all over the flat screen. But as parents we also know that we just have to get over it.

We pretty much get over it every day of our lives. Whether its a big or small disgusting mess, we have no choice. I mean, you can’t just leave it there forever.

I have to be honest, there have been a few messes I have purposely ignored because I didn’t care to deal with it at that time and I knew my hubby would be home shortly..(sorry hun.)

I also have to admit that there have been a few messes that I truly JUST CANT deal with so what do I do? Throw it away.

Most parents understand that a baby will have a blow out every so often, to which you carefully clean and get the stains out or whatever but not me – I introduce that bad boy to another smelly being called the trash. I mean, they were meant to be.

Most of the times it’s just clothes I don’t think the stains are worth scrubbing out. Sometimes it’s a bib that has too many crusty spots. Once I threw out a baby doll because my daughter dragged her through the mud, stuck a lollipop in her hair, and then fed her cheetoh puffs….honestly I think I was just pissed at the doll – she had to go.

I don’t know exactly makes one thing worth cleaning vs. another but I can definitely say it saves time. Don’t worry at least I clean up my daughter every time, or at least drench her in baby wipes…

 

MOM LAUNDRY. 

Being a nanny when I was younger taught me a lot about parenting in general but there was always something I never understood, laundry. Now before you call me dumb, I obviously understand what laundry is and how it works but what I never understood was how there was always so much of it and why it was so hard to get done once you have kids.
I would always see piles of laundry in a million places and would never dare go into the actual laundry room. One time I had to go in because I couldn’t find one of the kiddo”s swim suits and I was instantly knocked over by a load falling out the door ( that was a dark day..)
It wasn’t until I became a mama that I truly understood what mom laundry was and yes it’s a real thing. A very real, very scary thing.
I honestly don’t really completely comprehend it yet but I am working on it. I mean I am positive I do laundry AT LEAST twice a week, usually more. Yet somehow there is always more loads. I could actually do laundry every single day of my life and fill my entire day because that’s how much there is. I have one child and one hubby ( yay, monogamy!) but somehow we have enough laundry to dress an entire village 3x a day.
I guess I have realized that I am not a particularly good laundry-er? laundry doer? I will run errands or do something else with my life in between loads, which I feel is pretty common ( I mean who just sits and waits for laundry to be done?) Anyway, my problem is actually that I forget to go check the load and change it. So in all actuality I usually have to re-do the same load at least twice, sometimes more.
I would just like to say that this is something I am not proud of and if any mama’s out there have found a solution to the mom laundry conflict please feel free to share with the rest of us! 
 

LIKE MAMA LIKE BABY.

We have all heard the old saying, “Like mother, like daughter” and most of us either find it to be incredibly true or extremely false. Learning what your child is like and what they will be like is one of the most exciting (also terrifying) things when becoming a parent.

When my daughter was born it was pretty obvious she was her daddy’s girl. They looked like twins based on baby photos and as she has grown it becomes even more undeniable. When most people see me with my daughter they think we look identical and then dad comes in and they are like, “Oh, just kidding, she definitely looks like dad.” ( at least she has my eyes and ears, right?)

Not only does her physical features match her daddy but also her personality but that doesn’t stop her from trying to be like her mama. Wherever we go she tries to be just like me, even at such a young age.

For example,

If I am brushing my teeth, she brushes her teeth.

If I put on my shoes, she puts on her shoes.

If I smack daddy’s butt, she smacks daddy’s butt.

If I am drinking out of a wine glass, she also needs to drink out of a wine glass.

If I am taking a poop, she needs to take a poop.

The list could seriously go on and on. Sometimes I even like to test her to see how far she will go with being like mama. I’ve tried folding laundry (apparently no one likes this.) I have tried twerking ( she is actually pretty good.) I have tried eating kale ( she tried to pretend like she liked it and then spit it out when I turned around.)

Although she can be a tad over the top about this sometimes, it makes me feel so proud that she wants to be so much like her mama.

 

BUGS.

I always knew my daughter would be a very extreme child, mostly because I am a little extreme at times ( ok maybe more than a little.) Growing up I loved to dance, play dress-up, play sports, dig in the mud, and jump off of shit (this was mostly because my brother would convince me but what are big brothers for?)

I was somewhere between sweet, sassy, and badass -although most people probably would say dramatic and reckless ( whatever..) Although, I had these interesting qualities going for me there were still some things that seriously freaked me out, one of those things is bugs.

I mean seriously, pretty much any bug. When I was really little I could play with rolly polly’s and lady bugs but that was about the extent of it. In 5th grade our teacher tried to get us to eat cooked grasshoppers with chocolate on them ( I wanted to puke all over her just for mentioning it.) Therefore, I knew my Lo would have some issues.

We went to a field the other day to play and a cute lady bug flew onto my hand. I was showing Lo how pretty it was and she loved watching it walk around and flutter it’s wings. The lady bug jumped onto Lo’s shirt and started to crawl, she thought it was funny ( for about 2 seconds.) I honestly don’t know if I have ever seen more worry in someone’s face in my life. I thought she was going to die of shock in that very moment.

She started squealing, stomping her feet, and a few tears dropped and then she let out a whale for me to save her. I honestly didn’t know if I should laugh or save her life ( which was obviously at stake..)

I decided laughing was the best option because it reminded me of myself and made me realize how ridiculous I really am sometimes. After a few moments I took the lady bug and set it on a nearby leaf. At that point I think the lady bug was far more worried that Lo and Lo was smiling again watching the bug crawl around.

I guess some things are just better at a distance..

FOR THE LOVE OF WHINE.

I am almost certain I am not the first person to start a drinking game with her kids but I thought I’d share the experience in case anyone was thinking of trying it out.

It all started after a long Monday and I had attempted about every chore and errand I needed but failed at them all because my darling daughter decided my attention needed to be elsewhere. Most days I wouldn’t mind putting off things such as the laundry but my hubby was out of underwear so I needed to do it to avoid another catastrophe.

Since, I clearly needed a drink by 10AM I decided to get coffee, shortly after I realized that wasn’t doing the trick so we went outside to play and mama grabbed a beer. Beer wasn’t helping me relax so I switched to wine. This is when the game began.

My daughter was whining while I was getting my wine poured so I decided every time she would WHINE, I would also WINE. This started around 4:30.

My hubby came home around 6:15 with an incredibly confused look on his face. Not only was I drunk on wine, but Lo was running around with his underwear on her head ( and no, I never got to the laundry.)

Needless to say, this game really works. If you are willing to try it you should probably not exceed a 3 hour time frame (you might die). I did realize however that drinking and doing chores around the house is ALOT more fun…

 

EATING WAR.

My child is the most independent dependent person I know. One minute she wants to do everything for herself and the next she is yelling at me to do it for her. It is like an emotional roller coaster trying to figure out which version of herself she wants to be at any given moment.

Eating, for instance, may be one of the hardest things I have ever done when it comes to my Lo. One moment she wants me to feed her, the next she is sad because she wants the spoon to feed herself. Sometimes, she doesn’t want to eat at all unless she’s on my lap or eating off of my plate. Sometimes she will only eat whats on my plate even when it is the exact same thing thats on her plate, 3 inches over from her.

If that wasn’t difficult enough, she has to change her taste buds every other second as well. I could feed her the most delicious meal in the world or chicken nuggets from McDonald’s and neither would do, she may prefer it one day but the next she’d rather have cucumber in ranch. Just kidding, she’d much rather just eat the dip, not the cucumber itself.

Why is she so difficult? Are all kids this frustrating when it comes to food? My goodness, someone be my savior and tell me that there is a real answer, PLEASE!

LET’S GET A PUP.

My hubby decided it would be a good idea to get a dog now, but it’s not for reasons you’d think. You’d think that since miss Lo is getting older and smarter he’d want to get her a pup to enjoy, however his reasons are a bit more ridiculous than that.

Now that Lo is understanding her surroundings and recognizing everything that’s going on it’s not as easy to get away with everything.

For instance, farting. No one can fart and blame the sound or smell on poor, innocent Lo anymore. She laughs when she farts these days which is a total tell, which basically means we are shit out of luck. 

Therefor my hubbies brilliant idea is to get a pooch to blame it on. He’s sort of an evil genius I suppose. One of the many redeeming qualities I married him for. Now… any dog suggestions (preferably an easy target..)?

SLEEP TALK.

My hubby has a problem. It’s something he’s not aware of, as most problems are, although I always make him aware the next day…He sleep talks.

Now I know that doesn’t seem all too crazy but some of the things he says and does is so extreme I can’t even describe it, I will try to keep it at least PG-13 here because some things are just TMI.

One time I got up to pee and when I came back my hubby started yelling at me to put on more clothes because I was dressed unreasonably for the plane we were on….? Then he threw a pair of his boxer briefs at my face and told me to cover up (cause that will do a whole lot..)

Another time he thought there was an intruder in our home and got under the covers and shook me awake only to tell me he thinks someone is in the house…How lovely to know that if someone was actually in our home his first reaction is to take cover, literally.

The best part about these little interactions between us is that after 30-60 seconds of this behavior he just falls back into his slumber like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I am left laying their like WTF and trying to pick apart what just happened. It is pretty funny, I have to admit. Especially because he never remembers anything he’s done or said, so I just get to give him shit for it the next day.

Oh, marriage is a wonderful thing.